About this Video

• Video Title: How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb
• Channel: Andrew Huberman
• Speakers: Andrew Huberman, Lori Gottlieb
• Duration: 03:22:59

Introduction

This video features a conversation between Andrew Huberman and Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist and author, about romantic relationships. They discuss how to find compatible partners, improve communication, navigate technology's impact on relationships, and access more vitality and enjoyment in life, both in and out of relationships. The discussion draws heavily on insights from psychotherapy and personal experiences.

Key Takeaways

1. Feelings as a Guide: Our feelings when with someone are the best indicator of relationship compatibility. Ignoring these feelings can lead to missing crucial signals.
2. Self-Regulation vs. Co-Regulation: Self-regulation involves managing one's emotions, while co-regulation relies on a partner's ability to remain calm. Both are important for healthy relationships.
3. Unfinished Business: Unresolved childhood issues can lead to choosing partners who mirror past hurtful relationships, creating familiar but unhealthy dynamics.
4. Death Awareness and Vitality: Acknowledging mortality can increase intentionality and lead to a more fulfilling life. Many people avoid joy due to a fear of it ending ("cherophobia").
5. Reacting vs. Responding: Reacting involves impulsive actions based on past experiences, while responding involves pausing and making conscious choices.
6. Importance of Face-to-Face Communication: Texting and technology hinder the nuanced communication that comes from in-person interactions, impacting relationship dynamics.
7. Projective Identification: Understanding and avoiding projective identification—transferring one's emotions onto another person—is vital for healthy communication.
8. The Bank of Goodwill: Positive interactions should outweigh negative ones to create a strong relationship foundation. Often, people neglect expressing appreciation.
9. Identifying Strengths and Weaknesses: Self-reflection, honesty, and addressing personal challenges can improve romantic relationships.
10. The Role of Therapy: Therapy provides insights and tools for self-awareness, leading to healthier relationship choices and overall well-being.

00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb 00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings 00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective 00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp 00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business 00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy 00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks? 00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance 00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein 00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm 00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing 01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings 01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text 01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability 01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT 01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions 01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation 01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency 01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward 01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss 01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison 02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation 02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety 02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History 02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy 02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness 02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities 02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions 02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds 02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses 02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion 03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss 03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life 03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

Here's a list of the chapters from the provided outline:

1. Dr. Lori Gottlieb
2. Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
3. Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
4. Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp
5. Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
6. Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
7. Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
8. Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
9. Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein
10. Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
11. Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
12. Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
13. React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
14. Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
15. Sponsor: LMNT
16. Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
17. Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
18. Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
19. Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
20. Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
21. Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
22. Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
23. Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
24. Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
25. Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
26. Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
27. Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
28. Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
29. Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
30. Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
31. Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
32. Grief, Making Sense of Loss
33. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
34. Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter