About this Video

• Video Title: If You Want To BUILD SEXUAL DESIRE In A Relationship WATCH THIS! | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes
• Channel: Lewis Howes
• Speakers: Esther Perel, Lewis Howes
• Duration: 01:17:29

Introduction

This video features a conversation between Lewis Howes and Esther Perel about building and maintaining sexual desire in long-term relationships. They discuss the challenges couples face, the changing landscape of relationships in modern society, and strategies for fostering intimacy and desire.

Key Takeaways

• The Four Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse: Indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence (including microaggressions) are major contributors to relationship breakdown. A lack of caring, disrespect, and taking each other for granted are key indicators.
• Desire vs. Love: Desire is about wanting, while love involves needing and caretaking. Sustaining desire requires cultivating a sense of playfulness, mystery, and emotional risk-taking within the relationship.
• The Importance of Self-Care: Individual well-being and self-confidence are crucial for maintaining desire. When individuals are thriving in their own lives, they are more likely to be attracted to their partners.
• Redefining Monogamy: Monogamy is a social construct, not a biological imperative. The modern concept of monogamy has evolved from an economic arrangement to a relationship rooted in intimacy, desire, and shared values. Open relationships and other non-traditional models are becoming increasingly common.
• Conscious Uncoupling: When relationships end, it's important to approach the separation with conscious uncoupling, appreciating the positive aspects of the relationship and focusing on growth and mutual respect rather than bitterness.

Here are the answers to your questions, all based on the provided transcript:

1. What are the key differences between the ways Americans and Europeans view infidelity and its impact on relationships, according to Esther Perel? According to Perel, the United States exhibits a greater intolerance towards infidelity compared to Europe, despite similar rates of infidelity. Americans tend to experience more guilt about infidelity, while in Europe, it's sometimes viewed as more acceptable or even a common aspect of life. This difference stems from differing cultural perspectives on family preservation and societal tolerance for marital transgressions.

2. What are the three questions Esther Perel uses to frame her understanding of thriving relationships, and what are the core issues that often contribute to relationship problems? Perel frames her understanding of relationships with three questions: 1) What constitutes a thriving relationship? 2) What can go wrong in a relationship? 3) How can relationship problems be fixed? The core issues she identifies as contributing to relationship problems are indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence (including microaggressions). These elements erode the sense of caring, respect, and importance within the relationship.

3. How has the role of sex and desire in long-term relationships changed in recent decades, and what are some of the factors contributing to this change? The role of sex and desire in long-term relationships has significantly shifted in recent decades. For much of history, sex was primarily for procreation, a marital duty, particularly for women. However, the advent of contraception, the women's movement, and the gay rights movement have liberated sex from solely biological and reproductive functions, transforming it into a component of identity and lifestyle. This change is coupled with a shift in the meaning of monogamy – from "one person for life" to "one person at a time," allowing for serial monogamy. This evolution necessitates a focus on maintaining desire within long-term relationships, which is now the primary motivator for continued sexual intimacy, rather than procreation or duty.

4. What advice does Esther Perel offer to couples seeking to maintain sexual desire in their long-term relationship, and what are some examples of effective "incentivized systems" for relationships? Perel advises couples to cultivate a sense of playfulness, mystery, and emotional risk-taking to sustain desire. She emphasizes the importance of individual well-being and self-confidence. Effective "incentivized systems" for relationships, according to Perel, include expressing appreciation and gratitude, going the extra mile for one's partner, allowing for individual space and pursuits, and fostering mutual admiration. These actions create a sense of value and importance, counteracting the complacency and routine that can stifle desire.

5. Ask anything... (This is open for the user to formulate a question based on the transcript).