About this Video

• Video Title: Stanford Psychologist: Ask This 2-Part Question! It Will Transform Your Communication Skills!
• Channel: Lewis Howes
• Speakers: Lewis Howes, Dr. Caroline Fleck
• Duration: 00:59:17

Introduction

This video features a conversation between Lewis Howes and Dr. Caroline Fleck, a licensed clinical psychologist and executive coach. The main topic is the transformative power of validation in communication and relationships, focusing on a two-part questioning technique to improve influence and connection. Dr. Fleck details the "validation ladder," a set of skills to improve communication, and how to use them to effectively influence others while maintaining genuine connection.

Key Takeaways

• Validation as a Skill Set: Validation is a crucial skill, not merely a trait, that can profoundly impact personal and professional life. It's a set of techniques, not just agreement, to make others feel seen and heard.
• The Two-Part Question: To effectively influence, first validate the other person's point, then subtly guide them toward a different perspective. This involves understanding their point and the underlying emotions.
• The Validation Ladder: This framework includes eight skills, starting with mindfulness and non-judgmental listening (attending and copying), progressing to understanding, empathy, and eventually self-disclosure.
• Importance of Mimicry/Copying: Subtly mirroring another's body language activates mirror neurons, fostering connection and increasing influence. This is particularly useful in high-stakes emotional situations.
• Balance of Acceptance and Change: Effective communication requires both accepting the other person's current perspective and gently guiding them toward positive change. This is a process, not an either/or.
• Self-Validation: Learning to validate oneself involves acknowledging emotions, feeling them fully without judgment, finding the kernel of truth, and taking action (self-soothing, paying it forward).

Follow-up Questions Answered

1. What are the eight skills included in Dr. Fleck's "validation ladder," and how do they build upon each other? The transcript doesn't explicitly list all eight skills of the "validation ladder," but it describes several: Mindfulness/Attending (engaging, non-judgmental listening, using non-verbals like eye contact and nodding), Copying (mirroring body language), Understanding (logically grasping their perspective; using phrases like "anyone in your shoes would feel that way"), Proposing (offering alternative perspectives or insights), and Emoting (expressing genuine emotion). The ladder progresses from basic engagement to deeper empathy and understanding, with the higher levels building on the foundations of the lower ones. For example, empathy is more effective when you have already established mindfulness and understanding.

2. Dr. Fleck mentions the importance of "copying" or mirroring body language. What is the scientific basis for this technique's effectiveness, and how can it be used ethically and subtly? The scientific basis lies in the activation of mirror neurons. Copying another person's body language leads to increased rapport and trust because it creates a sense of connection and understanding. Ethically and subtly, it should be done unconsciously and naturally, avoiding overt mimicry. Dr. Fleck suggests giving yourself a mental cue ("copy") to subtly adjust your posture and expressions to match the other person's. The goal is attunement, not imitation.

3. How does Dr. Fleck's approach to validation differ from traditional problem-solving approaches in psychology, and what are the advantages of her method? Traditional approaches often prioritize behavior and thought modification. Dr. Fleck's method emphasizes acceptance and understanding of emotions before attempting to change behavior or thinking. The advantage is that by first validating someone's feelings, you build trust and create an environment where they are more receptive to change. Traditional methods often fail with "treatment-resistant" individuals precisely because they neglect this initial validation step.

4. In what ways can the principles of validation be applied to improve relationships with family members, particularly in challenging situations like the one described with the interviewee's daughter? The example of the interviewee's daughter illustrates the importance of acknowledging and validating a child's feelings, even if those feelings stem from a perceived change in the parent. Instead of dismissing her feelings ("I haven't changed"), the interviewee could use validation skills like acknowledging the daughter's pain, mirroring her emotions, and then working toward understanding. Repairing the relationship requires acknowledging the shift in the relationship, validating the daughter's feelings of grief, and creating a new, stronger connection built on mutual understanding.

5. Ask anything... (This question is open for the user to pose.)