About this Video

• Video Title: Why You Act Like THAT In Your Relationships (And How To Fix It) | Attachment Style Deep Dive!
• Channel: Charlotte Morabito
• Speakers: Charlotte Morabito
• Duration: 00:44:27

Introduction

This video delves into attachment styles, explaining how they influence relationship dynamics and offering strategies for healing insecure attachment patterns. The speaker, Charlotte Morabito, uses the work of Dr. Angelica Shields to categorize attachment styles and provide actionable steps for improvement.

Key Takeaways

1. Attachment Styles: The video details four attachment styles: secure, avoidant (two subtypes: ego insult and ego obliteration), and anxious (two subtypes: volcano and dictator), and disorganized (Puppet Master). Each style stems from a combination of inborn temperament and early caretaking experiences.
2. Understanding Ego States: The core of each insecure attachment style is linked to a perceived threat to the ego (sense of self). Avoidant styles fear ego insult (defectiveness) or obliteration (loss of self), while anxious styles fear ego neglect (invisibility). Disorganized styles combine the fears of both avoidant and anxious attachment, resulting in fear of ego abandonment.
3. Internalizing vs. Externalizing: Individuals may initially internalize their core fears, leading to specific behaviors. However, under extreme stress, they may shift to externalizing their fears, blaming their partners and adopting controlling behaviors.
4. Healing Insecure Attachment: The video outlines steps to heal insecure attachment, emphasizing attunement (intentional focus on a partner's emotions). This involves locating (making eye contact, removing distractions), maintaining calm alertness, and focusing on verbal and non-verbal cues without judgment. The video also suggests mindfulness, therapy/medication, somatic practices, and "nesting behaviors" (gentle self-care routines) as helpful tools.
5. The 20% Rule: To balance healthy acceptance with avoiding being a doormat, the video proposes a "20% rule"—letting go of 20% of a partner's negative behaviors during conflict to de-escalate tension and create a safer space for connection.

The video doesn't offer a definitive test to distinguish between these attachment styles. However, it highlights key differences in their core fears and resulting behaviors:

• Avoidant (Ego Insult): Fears being seen as defective, leading to behaviors like defensiveness, over-functioning, and subject-changing to avoid perceived criticism. When externalizing, they become "Trainers," blaming their partner for their feelings and using silent treatment as a form of control.

• Avoidant (Ego Obliteration): Fears losing themselves in the relationship, leading to behaviors like physical avoidance, ignoring others, prioritizing independence, and refusing requests. When externalizing, they become "Rescuers," believing they are superior due to their independence and blaming their partner's needs as a weakness.

• Disorganized Attachment: Combines fears of both avoidant and anxious attachment. They fear abandonment, resulting in behaviors that simultaneously distance and pursue connection. Internally, they are preoccupied with abandonment, but externally they might mask their needs and appear avoidant. When externalizing, they become "Puppet Masters," believing they have the right to control their partner to alleviate their anxiety.

The video emphasizes that these are broad categories and individuals may exhibit behaviors across different styles. The speaker recommends seeking professional help for a proper diagnosis.